Nosferatu and Twilight. Two absolutely maniac vampires who find what they believe is their demise in a pretty woman.
127 Hours with a Film Kid: Damien Chazelle has a new short film that’s basically La La Land on an iPhone, meanwhile David Lynch is living his best life in quarantine, and obviously we discuss Midnight Sun despite it not being Film News or Film Kid worthy.
Watch Chazelle's short film - The Stunt Double
Watch David Lynch give a weather report with a mysterious Painted Jar
Nosferatu: A man just tries to impress his potential new neighbors, we discuss the bizarre sleeping habits of the Buttel family, and potentially saving your loved one's skin, literally.
Twilight: An absolute maniac doesn't know how to interact with humans, or lie even a little bit convincingly, plus secret Cop Propaganda and a disturbing lack of Promposals .
Read more about the Maya Ballgame, that is most definitely not like basketball at all.
Bella's perspective while she sleeps
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Film Kid Giant Squids is produced and hosted by Lindsey Buttel and Brooke Hoppe. Intro music is by the band Poly Action.
Brooke: In O.G. basketball, didn’t they, like, play with people’s heads?
Lindsey: What?!
[Intro Music]
Brooke: You’re listening to Film Kids & Giant Squids
Lindsey: And Other things that think they’re deep. I’m Lindsey
Brooke: And I’m Brooke. And this week, we’re talking about Nosferatu and Twilight, your classic vampire flicks.
Lindsey: Oooh.
Brooke: Why did you say “ooh”? Is it because I used “flicks” instead of “films”
Lindsey: Yeah, I was like then like where can I add werewolves, chick rhymes with flick, but like “and your other werewolf chicks”
Brooke: Your other were-chicks.
Lindsey: I was thinking chickens. You suddenly become illegal once a month.
Brooke: Chickens aren’t illegal, you just can’t have them as pets in certain cities.
Lindsey: They become free of ownership once a month
Brooke: I would hope they’re free of ownership all month.
[127 Hours with a Film Kid Transition Music]
Brooke: So, let’s get into 127 Hours with a Film Kid. First up this week is news about our boy Damien Chazelle.
Lindsey: Oh, like the guy we just talked about last week.
Brooke: Last episode. So he’s released a new short film. It’s with Apple and it’s called “The Stunt Double” the short was entirely shot on an iPhone and it only uses the vertical aspect ratio.
Lindsey: Oh my god, gross.
Brooke: So the plot of the short film is that it’s a stunt double in present day Hollywood who dives off of a skyscraper only to realize that his parachute is broken and is kind of plummeting to his death and imagines himself through Hollywood history.
Lindsey: So like the same as La La Land.
Brooke: It’s very -
Lindsey: But instead of Jazz it’s death. Jumping out of the plane
Brooke: It’s a big homage to filmmaking because he goes through a million different genres as a stunt double in those genres. So, he goes to a silent era film, an 80s movie, a spy movie, a western. And it looks good. And obviously they had a budget for lighting, and props, and sound, and editing, and yada yada, and that’s obviously why the film looks so good. But, it’s still kind of impressive what an iPhone can do. Similarly, if you ask any filmmaker like what they were like when they were a kid, most filmmakers will say they got their hands on any camera they could and filmed what they could. And that’s kind of the spirit of this, is that it’s you can create Hollywood with your iPhone, the modern-day equivalent of picking up a VHS Camcorder in the 80s.
Lindsey: But like, please if you make movies on your phone, shoot them horizontally.
Brooke: Yeah. So, yeah like on the other hand the vertical aspect ratio is just gimmicky. Like it doesn’t serve the film. Chazelle does a good job of keeping a lot of the movement vertical, so like the jumping off a building, at one point the stuntmen flips down the set of stairs or they run through walls that are collapsing in on them. He does a good job of making it not feel constrictive, but it doesn’t add anything to it and there are times when you are like man I wish I could just see the entire shot instead of just the small sliver of the screen. So next is, David Lynch. He is a famous director; he is probably most known for Twin Peaks or Mulholland Drive. In lockdown, he’s been making content on YouTube. Mostly what he’s been doing is are daily weather reports. They’re somehow very wholesome while also being very unnerving at the exact same time. The same energy as if Bob Ross went unhinged and painted a murder scene, but still taught you how to paint it. And like was like, it was a happy little accident, he slipped and fell on my knife. So, he used to do these weather reports in the early 2000s on his website which now doesn’t exist anymore. So he’s been doing them since May and each video about a minute long, and it starts with Lynch office/bunker its unclear, you can’t see the windows you can only see the light from the windows. He starts off saying “good morning” and then he gives the date, by month, day year and follows it by saying what day of the week it is. Which, honestly in quarantine is very helpful because you forget, like who knows what day it is, David Lynch does. He then looks around him to give what the current weather is, and is usually foggy because it’s LA, and then he’ll typically say it’ll burn off and there will be blue skies and lots of golden sunshine and then he tells us to have a great day. And that is every video. And there are some other constants besides just like the exact things he says, his outfit is always the same, his hair is always the same.
Lindsey: That’s a difficult thing to have your hair be exactly the same every day. I wonder if he trims it like just slightly every day.
Brooke: He has his cup of coffee on his desk, which most days you can see the steam rising off of it. And it’s just something nice about something constant every day and you know exactly what’s going to be. So I’m going to send you the link from today’s report, because I need to send you what the typical one is so I can show you what the atypical one is.
Lindsey: Aw. That’s cute.
Brooke: Yeah, it’s surprisingly very wholesome. Like it’s just him looking around and telling us the weather. I feel like a vast majority of his audience don’t live in LA, so like, for me at least its like “oh yeah that’s the LA weather today” but like, for most people it just like -
Lindsey: “ah that’s weather of a place that I don’t live” that’s also always sunny anyway so what.
Brooke: So now I’m sending you the July 29th weather report. For those, at home, David has a sudden new addition to the weather report.
Lindsey: Is he just going to ignore the jar?
Brooke: Yeah, for those at home who haven’t seen this report, David has a painted jar that he’s holding. He draws attention to it, acknowledges what you’re questions like “what’s with the jar? Why is it painted like that” and then moves on and does the weather and doesn’t any answer any of them.
Lindsey: Is he building to it? Is there going to be a reveal? It is going to unleash a jar of spiders onto himself, in like two weeks.
Brooke: The jar hasn’t been in any of the weather reports since this, he also has another series on this YouTube channel called “What is David Working on Today” and these are even more wholesome. It’s a DIY Program.
Lindsey: Aww. We love DIY.
Brooke: It’s just showing the audience what he’s making weather it’s a phone holder like a tripod attachment so he could film with his iPhone.
Lindsey: Is it film related? Or is it like here’s macramé that I spent two weeks on.
Brooke: No. It’s mostly like wood work that he’s doing or like molding projects. So yeah he makes this phone holder tripod attachment, but ends the video holding up the one that he bought saying “yeah you can buy this and it works perfectly well, but it’s just fun to make things” Wholesome content. You love to see it. One of these videos the what is David working on today is about the jar. Where he talks about paining the jar, and this is before the weather report where he was like “you’ll see why soon” but we don’t see why.
Lindsey: But we didn’t. We will. That wasn’t the why. The thing is now I need to know, but like I already have a person in my life who has a day job and then their twitter is dedicated to the weather. One of the pollsters for Politico his name is Steven Shepard he tweets about polling things, but like every single day he tweets about the DC weather and then shifts in the weather, and shifts in the weather patterns for like the past however long. And I- I’m intrigued and every time I send a tweet by him to like my coworkers they are – they’re like worried, because they’re like that’s too much weather. But, I can’t, I can’t – at least it’s relevant to me. I can’t consume two different weather hobby enthusiasts.
Brooke: Yeah that’s fair, but also you can consume this one because it’s David Lynch and it’s just – it’s like wholesome but unnerving. But, my favorite of these What is David Working on Today is something calls The Checking Stick. It is a stick with like a metal tab on it to check your heart AKA your feelings -
Lindsey: Aw
Brooke: - and your brain AKA your thinking on a project.
Lindsey: Oh my God.
Brooke: So you like, he like, you point it at a project you’re working on. In the video he points it at a painting and he puts it on his heart and he goes “yeah, close but no cigar” and then he puts it on his head and goes “I might need to destroy it to get it to where I want” and then he turns to the viewer and goes “But you don’t need to make this because you have intuition”
Lindsey: Uh, do we? That’s a bold assumption of us.
Brooke: That is what David Lynch is doing in quarantine and that is 127 Hours with a Film Kid.
Lindsey: Wait Brooke, I also have news.
Brooke: Wait really?
Lindsey: But not film news. So, just in time for our Twilight episode Midnight Sun just came out and we will be doing a bonus episode on it because it is Twilight from Edward’s perspective and so of course we need to talk about it.
Brooke: Yeah. And to be fair, maybe eventually it will be a movie.
Lindsey: Plot wise, it would be the same movie as Twilight.
Brooke: I read an interview where someone talked to Catherine Hardwicke who directed the first Twilight, being like would you do want to do this movie? And she was like “Obviously, yes, who wouldn’t want to get back into that mindset”. And then I was like I feel you I want to get back into my middle school mindset of being obsessed with Twilight again.
Lindsey: That is how I will get through my 127 hours the next time I have to attend a party which is in theory never.
Brooke: You’re just going to think about Twilight? Honestly good advice.
Lindsey: We talked about other content but like that’s also. Once they were like “we’re releasing another book” my thoughts have only been Twilight and TikTok has picked up on that and I’ve only gotten Twilight content.
[Creepy Organ Transition Music]
Brooke: Nosferatu. My Tweet is “A happy go lucky man loses his goth wife to the goth next door neighbor he sold the house to”
Lindsey: Mine is, “A creepy take on corona virus. A Failure to read and provide information to its residents causes a plague to run rampant”
Brooke: You’re not wrong.
Lindsey: I’m not wrong! Hutter literally was like “This pamphlet? Not gonna read it, too scary”. Where it literally tells you how to kill a vampire. Spoiler alert for 30 minutes from now.
Brooke: Anyway. Nosferatu also known as Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror was released on March 4th, 1922. It was directed by F.W. Murnau. To talk about this movie, were gonna need to talk about German Expressionism. Kind of need to know the context of how it came to be. So after Germany lost World War One and they were forced to pay those crippling reparations, a couple things happened. First the country isolated itself, and they stopped importing any foreign films. This is especially important because this is right around when Hollywood – the Hollywood system – was really beginning to take shape. And Second, the countries debt also led to the inflation. Which meant that people were trying to spend their money immediately because it was losing value by sitting in their banks.
Lindsey: Which like, I know inflation is bad, but also like what a concept.
Brooke: I know.
Lindsey: That you’re just like “I need to go to the movies right now!”
Brooke: So, it was because of this the German government supported German film industry because the people kind of were demanding it. German Expressionism began as a reaction to realism.
Lindsey: Wait, but also imagine just like the people were like “we demand a movie!” and then the government says “here’s the movie you’re getting”
Brooke: Yeah. I mean the government funded movies as far as they go German Expressionism is not a bad way. So, the first real German Expressionist film was The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari which was released in 1920 and there’s a couple key things that all German Expressionism has – the style of it. First, is extreme lighting. So those shadows the heavy contrast, they also used theatrical costumes, and they dramatically staged shots that would often be distorted, whether with special effects or a just a weird camera angle. German Expressionism also encouraged over the top dramatics for actors, which is why you’ll see the heavy use of pantomime and like over dramatics even more than you would see in a typical silent film.
Lindsey: It’s like Jasper was meant to be in this movie and he’s just the embodiment of all of it. But in Twilight.
Brooke: Yeah, or like when Edward is horribly disgusted in that Bio lab. That is German Expressionism
Lindsey: or just staring at Bella in literally any scene.
Brooke: Yeah. German Expressionism was popular in the 1920s, but then as more and more filmmakers fled the increasingly Nazi Germany for Hollywood, the movement died with them. Once these filmmakers reached America they would influence Hollywood particularly in genres of Horror and Film Noir. So Nosferatu, is a quintessential German Expressionist film. It was released fairly early in the movement as I said it was released in 1922, and the movement kind of started in pretty much 1920. It is one of the first adaptations of Bram Stoker’s Dracula and is the only remaining. Like, there was one film that was earlier, but it was lost, so… But, the filmmakers didn’t actually get the rights to Bram Stroker’s Dracula, the widow refused so they changed the names of the characters as well as the locations. They were still sued and lost. And all copies of the film were ordered to be destroyed. But obviously, that didn’t happen. Because we are still watching this movie today. Stoker’s widow didn’t make any money – she never got money from the lawsuit because the prod company was bankrupt. As was common in late 1920s Germany. So, when the film begins there isn’t a lot that you could be like “ah, yes, that is German Expressionism”. But this immediately shifts once Hutter reaches Count Orlok’s castle. This is done on purpose to emphasize the other worldliness of Orlok’s domain. But, we’ll get to that. So kind of the opening – first, the soundtrack, which obviously was added many, many years later, once sound could be added to film – is great. Every movie should use a good organ opening.
Brooke: So we see Hutter and his young wife, Ellen. They live in Wisborg maybe? And we get this fairly normal opening scene. Hutter then heads to work and is approached by a man on the street and says “do not hurry my young friend no man can escape his destiny” which, fucked up. Don’t approach a man and tell him that on the street.
Lindsey: And also the absolutely complete opposite take from Twilight. Whereas on here, he’s like “your destiny is set” not “your destiny is set until you change your mind, and then you get a new one”
Brooke: Knock, who is the real estate agent is creepy as hell. He is the true villain of the story and has absolutely wild eyebrows. He tells Hutter of Count Orlok, who lives in Transylvania and wants to buy a deserted house in town. As opposed to the filled houses? Like, I don’t know why we had to specify deserted.
Lindsey: I want to buy a house with people living in it. I just - one day they’re going to be shocked that I know suddenly own their house. Give them the plague.
Brooke: He tells him that his lordship is going to buy a house and its going to earn a lot of money but will take a bit of effort, perhaps a bit of blood. Which is like alright dude we get it, bad news. Hutter leaves to go to the land of ghosts. He arrives at an inn, where immediately throws his bag on the ground and then a man picks it up and polishes his seat for him and then is really rude to the server. And is just like “I have to go to Count Orlok’s castle, now!” but then doesn’t leave until the next morning, so you didn’t need to like demand to your meal
Lindsey: A, like calm down. If you don’t have time, don’t go to a restaurant.
Brooke: Yeah
Lindsey: If you’re like “I have 30 mins” like literally fast food exists. I mean, like probably not at this point in time. But like, I’m sure there was a market. Are you really in a rush? Also, I like that werewolves also exist here. Just like that’s why he didn’t leave.
Brooke: But like, they don’t, because they all laugh. The animals they show -
Lindsey: What were the pans to the wolf?
Brooke: Was that a wolf? What animal was that?
Lindsey: I just said “Are you team Nosferatu or Team Striped Dog” – so like I’m unsure.
Brooke: So Hutter goes to bed at the inn, he first reads a book that sounds fascinating “Of Vampires, Terrible Ghosts, Magic and the Seven Deadly Sins” sign me up, I wanna read it. But, as Hutter does many many times, he just dismisses it and goes to sleep. He then spends all day travelling trying to get to Orlok’s castle. The people driving his carriage won’t go any further because it is creepy on the other side of the pass. So, he has to go the final way on foot. Hutter laughs at them. Here is where we really shift to true German Expressionism. So immediately Orlok’s carriage comes careening down the hill. So, this shot is like special effects. We wouldn’t classify today as special effects because its 100 years later. But it uses stop motion to make the carriage seem faster than it actually was travelling. Then Hutter gets into the spooky carriage and then the next shot is distorted. It’s negative, which again adds to the otherworldliness of Orlok’s domain. So, he arrives at the castle and meets Orlok -
Lindsey: Who is standing outside? Right? And like it’s the day right?
Brooke: No, its night.
Lindsey: Oh okay. I guess because it was negative then, it’s like. See, I was like “this is daytime and he’s not alive.” Is it only because it was direct sunlight, is it because he was wearing a hat?
Brooke: They filmed in the daytime because obviously the cameras back then couldn’t film in the night. They didn’t have powerful enough lights. You can tell the color they apply to the film that like blue tint is supposed signify night. So he arrives, meets Orlok who appears from the shadows and is upset that Hutter is late. Which like honestly, as a host, I would be too, if I had been waiting around all day for someone and they didn’t show up
Lindsey: and like prepared food -
Brooke: Yeah -
Lindsey: He doesn’t even eat food! Like that was just for Hutter.
Brooke: Yeah he gives him dinner and doesn’t eat anything and just watches him. Much like Edward in Twilight
Lindsey: He says “You hurt yourself, the precious blood!” also much like Edward in Twilight.
Brooke: Yeah, its really just a love story between Orlok and Hutter, and Ellen just gets in the way. Orlok has a really great clock of a skeleton man and it strikes midnight and then Hutter nicks himself with a knife and Orlok is alarmed because its “precious blood”. Hutter backs away slowly and falls into the chair by the fire, and Orlok basically just asks Hutter to spend the night with him. And conveniently the next thing we see is the next morning and Hutter has a hickey, so… love story? I think so. He stands up in the morning and looks at his nick in the mirror and sees the Count has left out food for him. Again, proving to be such a good host.
Lindsey: He just wants to move into a new house he’s like making – he’s like trying to treat them nicely so like he’ll be the one that they pick. Honestly just considerate.
Brooke: Hutter leaves the castle and writes a letter his wife about those damn mosquitos
Lindsey: At first I was like do vampires not exist in this universe and like Nosferatu is the first one and that’s why he doesn’t know? But no, they all like clearly know what vampires are later on. In theory, they don’t really, because they’re like look at this Venus Fly Trap, it’s like a vampire. And I’m like “no, it’s not.”
Brooke: Nosferatu isn’t – It’s like a species.
Lindsey: Still enough that – I feel like even if I had two bites right next to each other I’d be like “this is – a vampire bit me” and everyone would be like, you’re insane. And I’d be like, I know what I know.
Brooke: So yeah, he comes back to the castle, it’s night again and the Count sees Hutter’s wife from a picture that fell out of his bag. The Count was also nearsighted – farsighted? He has to hold it one inch from his face. He then compliments Ellen’s neck. And like the good thing about this movie is you can’t fault it for being “hey like that’s a very basic vampire trope” because this is like the first vamp movie, so it’s not a trope
Lindsey: I mean it also like created tropes – I don’t know – like biting people on the neck was already a thing but like they at least created a trope of dying in sunlight or something happening in sunlight
Brooke: Looking at you Twilight, something happens
Lindsey: There is nothing in folklore that said vamps didn’t sparkle in sunlight. Theres nothing in it that says that, but there’s also nothing they can;t be in the sun period. Both are equally plausible
Brooke: So Orlok buys the house, Hutter doesn’t seem that happy which upsets Orlok, because he’s just trying to be a good neighbor. Again, Hutter then goes and reads from his book again and realizes “hey maybe this isn’t fiction”. Which is like a really late time to come to this conclusion, sir.
Lindsey: You’ve already been bit, and let him own the house next to you and your wife.
Brooke: So again that night, Orlok wakes up and this next sequence is quintessential German expressionism. The heavy shadows, the contrast, there’s over – over the top dramatics, like this entire sequence is what people study. So, Hutter hides behind the door, we see Nosferatu from the distance, and then the door opens and Hutter is just breathing so heavily. Orlok walks into the door, there’s lighting shadows, Hutter tries to hide under the covers, and then we cut back to his wife. So crosscutting which is the use of like telling two stores at the same time, and cutting back between them to show they’re happening at the same time. It was a fairly common technique in the early filmmaking but not like used in every single film, so this isn’t groundbreaking editing techniques, but it still really well done and increases the tension in both scenes. So yeah, Ellen is sleepwalking onto the ledge, and then we cut back to Hutter -
Lindsey: As both her and Bella need to be watched in their sleep. Except Bella doesn’t need to –
Brooke: Yeah -
Lindsey: - for any saving reason. It’s just because Edward likes it.
Brooke: Yeah, so we cut back to Hutter, the shadows of Orlok appear over him. Ellen calls out, and Nosferatu withdraws and as he leaves the room he barely fits under the doorframe. And if I had a whole castle that was mine, I would make sure I didn’t have to duck in any doorframe. That would be the first thing I did when I moved in.So, the next day, Hutter explores the castle and finds Orlok’s coffin. He sees Orlok through the lid, and then decides to rip the lid off, revealing his whole body. Like, you saw who it was, you didn’t need to see the whole body you’re just more scared now.
Lindsey: To be fair, it kind of looked like a wooden doll of Abraham Lincoln. So, like understand the need to look at the full body to be like “Ah, okay, my new neighbor”.
Brooke: He then runs to his room in panic, and out of his window he sees Orlok leaving in his coffin pyramid. Again, making use of stop motion to create this magical self-moving coffin. Hutter then rips up the sheets to climb out of the window, and falls five feet, so obviously is incapacitated. This is the over dramatics I was talking about. He wakes up in a hospital bed and just shouts ‘coffins’ and then passes back out.
Lindsey: Brooke, what would you have done if I did that? So, for context, me and Brooke used to share a room, and I would wake up in the middle of the night and terrorize Brooke.
Brooke:. There’s 2 things that would really freak me out. One, you would like aggressively sit up and just stare at me. And I’d be like “oh no, was I making noise?”. Or you’d like throw things off your bed. But yeah, if you woke up, shouted “coffins” and then went back to bed. If it was early on when I wasn’t like used to it, I’d be like “I’m moving, I’m leaving immediately, I cannot be in this room with this demon creature”
Lindsey: When my mom has nightmares, she’ll like start yelling, but her yell is a ghostly kind of like falsetto, but like it starts out really quiet and gets louder. So it’s like – [imitates Ghostly high-pitch wailing] – Like it keeps getting louder.
Brooke: When I used to serve tables, I would get a lot of frequent serving nightmares, like stress dreams and there was definitely a time -
Lindsey: Yikes
Brooke: - that I woke up standing in the middle of my room and genuinely was like “Oh, I have to get table 23 their ranch” and went downstairs to our kitchen and opened the fridge to get the ranch before realizing what I was doing.
Lindsey: What a horrifying thing to be in your hand at 2 am.
Brooke: Yeah. Okay, so on the dock, the sailors open one of the coffins to see all these rats in the dirt. Then we get the professors meat eating plant lesson.
Lindsey: I feel like, at least from Hutter’s perspective there were also more red flags, in that Count whatever-his-name-is was only shipping 5 containers of dirt with him. That was what he was moving with into his new house.
Brooke: Well, I mean at that point, Hutter knows that he’s bad.
Lindsey: And warned no one!
Brooke: He fell out of a window five feet and was inca- he shouted coffins! What more do you want from him?
Lindsey: A lot! I need a lot more context.
Brooke: Knock is committed to the psych ward. Then we get treated to a bunch of these vicious eating scenes. We see the Venus Fly Trap, we see the polyp, we see the spiders.
Lindsey: I think every movie needs to give a warning, that’s just like “spiders!” before they show you any spiders.
Brooke: Yeah. So then Ellen goes to the beach, cementing her goth status.
Lindsey: She goes to her cemetery beach.
Brooke: Yeah. And she’s given Hutter’s letter where he’s still talking about his mosquito bites.
Lindsey: And is also not like “I miss you”, it’s like “Don’t let it upset you – “
Brooke: - Yeah
Lindsey: “- that I’m still not here”.
Brooke: Hutter recovers from his dramatic fall and thanks the nurse, and then Knock steals the newspaper and learns of the plague killing many young men. On Orlok’s ship, one of the sailors is delirious. As he’s left alone, Orlok appears and disappears. Again, this is a pretty god use of special effects especially for this time, and another example of a distorted shot. So, all of the crew die. The first mate goes downstairs with an axe, and the captain is just like “yeah, sure man, go for it”. He hacks open the coffin to find more rats. So Orlok rises from his coffin, again great shot, very much German Expressionism here. The first mate panics and just jumps off the boat and the captain doesn’t even like attempt to save him. Just goes “cool, he’s dead, got to tie myself to the ship” and Orlok creeps around the boat, and now the ship is Orlok’s. Once again, Ellen is sleepwalking and is being called to. Orlok’s boat docks, and Knock proves again to be the creepiest thing in this movie as he senses it and Orlok comes up from the ships hold. Knock attacks and kills the warden and escapes the psych ward. So he then carries his coffin through town, as one does. And Hutter somehow made really good time despite being incapacitated he makes it home to Ellen the same time that Orlok moves in. People investigate the ship and they find no living soul on board. They then, take the dead captain off, and they read the ships long. Which first they read “an unknown passenger is below deck”, which like that would have been red flag number one for me. I would have been like “excuse me, there’s what now? No send this man back to where he came from, I want no part of it” but they’re more alarmed by the plague threat. And immediately social distance. Immediate. They self-isolate. And the town crier says that all sick people should stay inside and not go to the hospital -
Lindsey: They’re responding, but if they had just read the book earlier. Because Hut- Didn’t Hutter tell Ellen not to read it because it freaked him out?
Brooke: He was – he was-
Lindsey: If he had advised reading it. they could have figured it out sooner-
Brooke: they had already brought the captain into town.
Lindsey: Okay, that’s fair.
Brooke: The plague was already there.
Lindsey: They do have a good response though.
Brooke: Yeah, like these people don’t have access to this book, they just know it’s a plague. So, Ellen reads the book.
Lindsey: That’s fair.
Brooke: Which really, Hutter stole from that inn. Just blatantly was like “what’s this? This is mine now.” So more people die from “the plague”, and there’s this great point of view shot, which is something pretty like , pretty new for filmmaking at this time. Where Ellen is staring at the window and looks out and sees these rows, like countless coffins being brought down the street. Which is emphasizing how many people are being taken by the plague AKA by Nosferatu.
Lindsey: Which is also funny because – not that people are dying by Nosferatu – but in a direct contrast to Twilight since Edward and Esme were turned into vampires to avoid dying of a plague, this is a flip plague caused by vampires, whereas Twilight is plague that caused vampires.
Brooke: This is true, this is true. Conveniently Ellen then reads the page on how you kill a Nosferatu. Then we have the mob scene chasing after Knock, they’re throwing things at him while he’s on the roof and then he runs away and he hides in the field, the mob then destroys a scarecrow. This sequence is also a distorted shot because they’re not using the typical frame rate. Filmmaking at the time didn’t have a standard frame rate we have today. So, it wasn’t uncommon they would use different frame rates per sequences, but the frame rate they do use like adds to the frenzied nature of the mob. So then, Ellen sees Orlok from her window and the shot of Orlok also in his window is a prime German exp. As Orlok himself is the distortion to the otherwise balanced shot – like it’s a perfectly balanced part with a window with a kind of arch made out of the windowpanes and Orlok is in the middle disrupting it. Ellen is called to Orlok, and then Orlok comes to her and the shadows up the stairs is 1) an iconic shot very referenced and replicated but again this is quintessential German exp. The exact note I put in my notes was German Express yourself. And so Ellen clutches her chest and slowly falls onto the bed and the shadows of Orlok moves over her, Ellen gives her blood and therefore Orlok is distracted because she is a good intentioned maiden and uh he is still there at dawn and therefore he dies. Knock tries to climb out of the prison cell trying to get to his master. Morning light kills Orlok and Ellen survives just long enough to reunite with Hutter before dying as well and that is the end of the movie.
Lindsey: Tragic.
Brooke: Do you want to know some facts about the movie?
Lindsey: Hell Yeah.
Brooke: The director Murnau left Germany 4 years later, to move to Hollywood where he went on and made more films. Of the 21 films he directed in his career, 8 of them are entirely lost. Murnau died I 1941 at the age of 42, he was in a car that got into an accident and hit a pole. He was the only one injured in the accident and died the next die due to head trauma.
Lindsey: Aw
Brooke: A couple interesting facts about his death. I would say fun, but not everyone is as morbid as I am. So he had seen a fortune teller not too long before his accident because he was planning a trip to go visit his mom in Germany and the fortune teller told him that he would arrive when he wanted to – like on the date – but it would be in a different manner than he expected. And this -
Lindsey: Oh my God.
Brooke: Yeah – And this came true. As the day he was supposed to arrive in Germany was the day his coffin arrived in Germany.
Lindsey: Oh no.
Brooke: Yeah. Another fact about his death is that the sailors refused to sail with his coffin. They were obviously afraid because of Nosferatu. So -
Lindsey: I mean like, the people in Nosferatu were quote “unaware of the creepy loads”. So like -
Brooke: But they all died!
Lindsey: - would make sense that they would be afraid that they could also have creepy loads. That too!
Brooke: So it took a lot to get the coffin on the ship. And then finally Greta Garbo, a famous, like well regarded actress, after his death commissioned and kept Murnau’s death mask on her desk. I think -
Lindsey: What is a death mask?
Brooke: A death mask is like a mask of someone’s death – not of their death but like mask they make of your face after you’ve died.
Lindsey: Ah!
Brooke: Yeah.
Lindsey: Don’t do that to me. You can make like a collage of me but like, that’s as far as you can go.
Brooke: Do you know what you can do now is you can preserve tattoos. They’ll cut off your skin and preserve it and frame it.
Lindsey: You can preserve my tattoos. That’s it.
Brooke: I’m not framing your skin!
Lindsey: You don’t have to frame it, just keep it somewhere.
Brooke: I’m not keeping your skin! Like this is my mom. She wants us, when she dies, she wants to be turned into jewelry so that we can wear her. And I’m like “Mom, I’m not”-
Lindsey: Like, what parts of her?
Brooke: She wants to be cremated and then have her ashes be turned into jewelry, which like, is a thing but I’m like “Mom, I’m not wearing you. like I’m not doing it, sorry”. And then she was like “well, just put me on your mantel” and I’m like, “First, who do you think I am, gonna have a mantel?! And second, No!”.
Lindsey: Equally, like imagine losing your necklace somewhere in public. And then someone – the person – whoever is like in charge of that public place being like “Sorry, we looked, we can’t find it. Is it replaceable?” and you’re like “no, it’s my mom?”
Brooke: In 2015, Murnau’s grave was actually broken into. The remains disturbed and his skull was removed. Which means someone out there has his skull.
Lindsey: Oh my God, I hope- I hope it’s being used as jewelry.
Brooke: I hope it’s not. I don’t even know what I want it to be used for, I just – Just – ugh – everything about it. You broke into a grave and stole a skull.
Lindsey: And so recently!
Brooke: Yeah. Because there was like candle wax residue on the grave, they were like it was like ceremoniously and they talked about sealing his grave so it wouldn’t happen again.
Lindsey: Are they gonna wait to put the skull back in?
Brooke: Well, they didn’t find it. They didn’t find the skull, they didn’t find who stole it.
Lindsey: Give it until like, 2025. It’ll turn up.
Brooke: Is that your official prediction?
Lindsey: Yeah.
Brooke: So that is Nosferatu: a Symphony of Horror.
[Creepy Organ Transition Music]
Lindsey: I was trying to do some research to look up like the accuracy of vampires in both, but there’s just so much folklore around vampires and so many like specific details of vamps were created in media not folklore. So, it was hard to really say but I can give the background of where I think both are coming from which could possibly be very inaccurate. So, a lot of specifics attributes like fangs or like something weird happening in the sun, came from more like 19th cent fiction. So like Dracula or like Varney the Vampire. Nosferatu was the first one where something bad AKA dying happens in sunlight. But the overall vampiric trait is some - by definition - some sort of demon or spirit that consumes human flesh or blood. And that is been a long or a lot longer. Probably one of the earlier ones, is more in Jewish culture is Lilith who is popularized in like many Netflix shows in 2019 I wanna say -
Brooke: Yeah
Lindsey: - with Sabrina. Lilith was Adam’s of Adam and Eve’s first wife who was banished for refusing to be submissive to him. Regardless, she was considered to drink the blood of babies and was considered to be the first vampire - or first person with vampiric tendencies. In Greco-Roman mythology, Lilith also translates to Lamia, who in Greek mythology started eating children after her own were destroyed by Hera for sleeping with Zeus. But Lamia was then a succubus of sorts, also seducing men to kill them, which has seductive traits of Twilight, of vampires being really attractive so they can like get their prey easier. Which, I feel like vampires are either like super hot or like horrendous. Like in Nosferatu.
Brooke: Yeah, there’s no middle. And it’s not just like “yeah that vampire is an average dude”
Lindsey: In European and Medieval folklore is more where Nosferatu seems to originate. They’re based on 12th century beings called revenants, which are animated corpses that rise from heir graves. French philosopher Voltaire wrote quote “corpses who went out of their graves to suck the blood of the liv- the living. Either their throats or their stomachs. After which they’re returned to the cemeteries.” In the 18th century there was an actual quote vampire controversy, which fed a lot of descriptions which scholars predict were more people coming out of their graves and biting due premature burials and rabies. Which the fact that it happened enough to be considered a vampire controversy is astounding.
Brooke: That’s wild
Lindsey: But, that’s why like Nosferatu needs to carry around his soil because that’s the oil that he died in and that’s where he gets like his vampire life. He needs to sleep in his quote god damn soil where he died. Greek culture has also brought up more of the Christian elements of vampirirism – vampirism? Whatever word I wrote, I don’t think is correct. Which means you could be like a vampire from being excommunicated or er being sacrilegious on a religious day, et cetera. This is also where the idea came from that killing a vampire you needed to burn their body and scatter the ashes, which in Twilight to kill a vampire you need to rip apart the limbs and burn then. But it’s still burned body parts in different places. But in Twilight, if you didn’t rip it apart – uh if you didn’t burn the ripped pieces they would a form back together.
Brooke: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. .. Kay, Twilight.
Lindsey: My Tweet is, “neighborhood creep uses 100+ years of experience to gaslight Forks’ newest resident”.
Brooke: Mine is “A game of baseball puts a girl’s life in danger and further cements a borderline abusive relationship, proving once again the only good sport is basketball.”
Lindsey: It would have been so different if they had played basketball. It would have been inside, they wouldn’t have been able to hear.
Brooke: Just play basketball and no one gets hurt. Although, in O.G. basketball, didn’t they play with like people’s heads?
Lindsey: What?! How would they bounce?
Brooke: I don’t think they bounced. It was like just throwing heads – hold on – I need to fact check myself before -
Lindsey: That’s arguably definitely not basketball. Was the ball made with flesh? Or was it just like actually people’s heads.
Brooke: Okay, it’s not basketball at all. But – it’s similar to basketball in senses. So two teams played against each other, the number of players varied between 2 and 6 players per teams. Sometimes an additional person is seen in the illustration who is believed to be a referee. The ball is put into motion by action of the right hip, the right elbow and the right knee and was not permitted to touch the ground. So it was like Hackey Sack.
Lindsey: But this was a head?
Brooke: Well – they used a rubber ball almost always, but the head came in after the game. The head was like the trophy.
Lindsey: That’s just as bad!!
Brooke: Okay. So they would – so it’s like Hackey Sack and their trying to get it through a ring on the other end, instead of like a basket.
Lindsey: Imagine if at the end of the baseball game, the Cullens just like came out and was like “Here’s our head. Remember how when we said we were vegetarians? We still kill people, we just don’t eat them.”
Brooke: Cuz it’s a sacrificial and religious event. Maya believed it was necessary to play the game for their own survival. It just sounds like everyone was sacrificed. But at least there’s a referee.
Lindsey: At least it’s fair. Anyway. Twilight. Introduction. Bella immediately starts by saying she is seemingly fine dying in place of someone she loves. Her dad is the chief of police and now I’m putting this movie into another secret police propaganda that I understand why your dad is the chief of police because crime is an underlying tone of the plot, we as the audience want to know details that the average person wouldn’t just get but like so many loveable dads are the chief of police and it’s propaganda.
Brooke: Yeah.
Lindsey: I digress. They have an extremely awkward relationship as I don’t think she spent any real time with him in years
Brooke: Which like, they never explain that. They don’t explain why she stopped seeing her dad.
Lindsey: Cuz also it didn’t seem like they had a bad marriage and like she didn’t want to do the things he wanted to do but he didn’t want to not continue doing the things he liked. They also introduce the Blacks, Billie and Jacob, and Charlie pretends that he’s embarrassed by his daughter coming home. So also good nice toxic masculine cop.
Brooke: I will say, Charlie and Billie like fake fighting in the background is so pure.
Lindsey: They have a very pure friendship also in the way where its definitely looks like Edward pushed her out a window and the dad didn’t say anything at let them continue dating. Billie was like “Ah, I’m going to pay my son to tell him that they should break up”
Brooke: Yeah
Lindsey: Even unrelated to wolves.
Brooke: She doesn’t know which pedal is the clutch? Like when she gets in the truck, Jacob is like “oh, like you gotta -whatever punch the” – says something about the clutch and she goes “oh this pedal here?” Excuse me, you shouldn’t have a stick shift if you don’t know which one is the clutch.
Lindsey: When I first started to learn how to drive, I was like “Oh there’s 2 pedals in the car”, so I put both feet on both pedals and my dad was like “please don’t do that.”
Brooke: I – My dad taught us to drive stick which was bad times. Like he specifically bought, like when he was buying a new car he specifically bought a stick shift just so he could teach us how to drive.
Lindsey: Oh my god.
Brooke: And I genuinely could not —
Lindsey: What a dad move.
Brooke: - drive very far in a stick.
Lindsey: My dad had a CDL license. To get your CDL license you need to parallel park a bus. So like when I couldn’t a parallel park he’d always be like “I can parallel park a bus and you can’t even parallel park a car” and then I went to a focus group of truck drivers and they were like “yeah we had to parallel for our license do you think I’ve ever parallel parked again? No, I just pull into a bunch of spots” and then in the back room in front of my client and my boss was like “yeah, fuck you Dad, they don’t even parallel park a truck” and then I was like “oh my God, I’m at work.”
Brooke: In Texas, your parents can teach you, you don’t have to do Drivers Ed, you can do Drivers Ed in a Box.
Lindsey: We don’t have to do Driver’s Ed.
Brooke: And I literally learned how to parallel park the day of my driver’s test.
Lindsey: Oh no.
Brooke: And my mom grabbed like a single cone she found and also stood. And like the cone that she found was like four inches tall so I really couldn’t see it.
Lindsey: So all you could see is your mom who you could either hit or not hit.
Brooke: Yeah. She was like “you’re too far from me” and I was like “I don’t want to hit you, like what?”
Lindsey: Next scene is the first day of school. Eric immediately welcomes her. Which I find weird in a bunch of films – like I don’t know if this is how small towns are and I just went to a suburban public school. But every movie has this big meet and greet and I’m like “schools are not like that” but Bella is immediately welcomed into this friend group. Eric the welcoming committee guy, Mike, and Jessica (who is apparently anna Kendrick which I forgot), and Hannah (who is apparently Suzie Crabgrass, which I also forgot)
Brooke: Oh wow! Sorry sorry. Oh yeah I forgot about that.
Lindsey: and someone named Tyler, who I don’t remember from the books but he literally only plays two parts in this whole movie and it is hitting Bella with the car and also going up to her and kissing her on the check in the middle of lunch for absolutely no reason other than he’s like “ha ha you’re the new person” and its very creepy -
Brooke: Tyler is definitely one of the ones who asks her to prom.
Lindsey: in the book?
Brooke: In the book.
Lindsey: The Cullen’s then walk into the lunchroom a sibling group of 5 weirdly incestuous. Edward is just the 5th wheel always apparently to your two sibling couples. Which like, he then apparently -like – in theory agreeing to be single for life until someone accidently becomes a vampire.
Brooke: Yeah
Lindsey: Then it’s like “kay I guess you’re dating my son”
Brooke: I feel like, wasn’t Rosalie – she was made after Edward right?
Lindsey: I think – I think they all were – I think Edward was first. Because he turned his wife and Edward.
Brooke: Yeah so I think Rosalie – like Carlie was like “ah yes, that’ll be for Edward”.
Lindsey: Sike.
Brooke: But Edward was like “no”. So, it’s not even waiting for a vampire.
Lindsey: So, is it just like the other vampires decided to start dating?
Brooke: Yeah
Lindsey: Independently of Edward? Because they also all drive to school independently of Edward.
Brooke: Edward is just a loner – like even his siblings are like “fuck off, Edward, you’re annoying”. If my sibling could read my thoughts, I too would not want to hang out with you.
Lindsey: That’s fair. I mean I guess I equally wouldn’t want my sibling to know my future or be able to control my emotions.
Brooke: Yeah, that’s very true.
Lindsey: But I’m fine with them being exceptionally pretty or strong.
Brooke: Rosalie just really gets the short end. She gets nothing.
Lindsey: It’s like vampires are all already super hot, but like you can maybe be slightly hotter. The friends then describe Dr. Cullen as a quote “foster dad matchmaker”. Which also implies that what they’re thinking is that they get a new foster kid purely to date one of the other children -
Brooke: Yeah
Lindsey: – which is hilarious. And just don’t care about – they’re just like Edward is fine.
Brooke: And also like I can’t imagine “ah yes, that’s the family that adopts kids so they can have relationships with each other” like what? That’s not okay.
Lindsey: And everyone’s just okay with it. They’re like they’re just weird its fine. In the next scene Bella goes to probably the only class of the whole movie which is Bio. And Edward literally gags when she walks in.
Brooke: it is the funniest thing.
Lindsey: He is very bad at hiding the fact that he’s literally clutching his face not to smell Bella and just intently staring at her like straight up when she sits down, he like turns his head. Stares at her.
Brooke: Rob Pattinson – Like he’s so good at being so disgusted at her my note is just like “honestly, maybe he’s just channeling how disgusted he is at this movie he’s found himself in”
Lindsey: I love that both of them hate these movies. It just like -
Brooke: Same
Lindsey: At school the next day, Bella decides she’s going to wait for the Cullen’s to confront Edward, but he doesn’t show up for a few days. Emmet rides into school standing up through the sunroof of the car.
Brooke: A total jock
Lindsey: There’s then a quickly glossed over fact that there are a quote unquote animal attacks. That is thrown around throughout the movie but that’s the only time I’m going to mention it til it comes relevant. Next scene Bella slips getting into the car to place her as a character that is a dainty and uncoordinated flower to later validate what happened of she is clumsy so this horribly tragic accident can happen to her and no one thinks twice. So, arriving at school, the students all put their coats on a coat rack which isn’t relevant its just insane to me that a classroom would have a coat rack. Edward is finally back for Bella to confront. Before she even gets the chance, he introduces himself with an extremely forced hello and then continues to stare at her rightly so throwing Bella off. Edward, the smug asshole that she is, double checks all of her correct Bio answers for their lab and then asks her about the weather. As if he didn’t have a 100 years to learn how to talk to girls about anything. Bella calls him out on it and tells him that “cold things are gross”, which, sick burn, and then sarcastically double checks all of his work when he also answers question.
Brooke: First, they’re winning a golden onion?! The teacher is like “yeah whoever finishes first gets this golden onion”. Like, what?!
Lindsey: I very much glanced over that but remembered her holding it in the hallway as they were speaking
Brooke: She holds it like several scenes, and I’m like “what are you?” She’s putting it into her backpack right before she gets hit with the truck.
Lindsey: I vaguely want to reread Twilight to see if Edward is actually this horrifying or if the movie just dramatized it.
Brooke: Part of the problem is that in the books were seeing it through Bella romanticized perspective, she doesn’t find him creepy at all. In the movie we as the audience, we aren’t in her head.
Lindsey: We’re seeing it objectively in which case I can’t wait for the creepy-ass Edward perspective book.
Brooke: I cannot wait, it’s going to be so fucking wild.
Lindsey: in the next scene, Edward actually talks to her in the hallway. Which, having a reputation of talking to no one at the school I feel like it should be alarming. But Bella doesn’t question it at all. Because his eyes literally change color, Bella asks him if –if he got contacts. Instead of lying and saying yes, he stammers and is like “it’s the fluorescent lighting” and runs away. Which also you have – you have a 100 years of experience being a 117 years of experience -
Brooke: He doesn’t get close to people
Lindsey: - of being a person. Like make up better lies? Like this has to come up in your life at least occasionally.
Brooke: He doesn’t get close enough for people to see his eyes. No one has looked at him in 100 years.
Lindsey: Next scene, Edward continues to stare at Bella like a murderer, just from a new location. Across the parking lot.
Brooke: And she still has the golden onion.
Lindsey: And she has the golden onion. When he sees Tyler’s car slide over the ice, her runs over and literally dents the car saving her. Bella does not say thank you and Jasper looks pained. Which, A, maybe its just that German expressionism dramatic acting but I would love to see whatever the audition is, because he arguably he has zero lines in this movie whatsoever, and all he does is looked pained. So that would have just been what the audition was
Brooke: Yeah, he doesn’t say anything. Also, just imagine being him and having to feel everyone’s emotions and be in high school?
Lindsey: And have a thirst for blood?
Brooke: Worst nightmare
Lindsey: Where everyone also has their periods.
Brooke: Oh yeah. That too. Do they ever address period blood in Twilight?
Lindsey: Nope, I don’t think so. Theoretically, at least once a month Edward would be like “this is too much that I cannot handle it”.
Brooke: Especially Jasper who is like a new vampire who doesn’t control around blood. You think he would just be like “high school? No”.
Lindsey: Sorry let me put with you with all these relatively bloody people with uteruses.
Brooke: Yeah and also they do stuff in gym, I feel like everyone gets a bloody knee in gym. I dunno, there was a lot of blood at my high school I feel like and a lot of opportunity for blood.
Lindsey: Maybe they thought he was strong enough – like maybe he didn’t at first.
Brooke: Oh, like this is his first high school?
Lindsey: But also, I feel like if I could feel everyone’s emotions, I would literally refuse to go to high school. Bella sees Dr. Cullen for her injuries and in Edward is a horrible boyfriend, at least explicitly point one, he tries to gaslight her, saying that he was standing next to her the whole time, that he saved her head that she then hit so she can’t remember -
Brooke: Yeah, such explicit gas lighting. Its just like “what are you talking about Bella? I was standing right next to you, you just have a head injury” GASLIGHTING! Fuck off.
Lindsey: And also just be like, I don’t know what came over me, maybe like an adreline rush. Which would be easy.
Brooke: He does say that later.
Lindsey: In theory, weeks later.
Brooke: Yeah. He was trying to like – he probably like went home like “fuck, she’s not going to buy that, no one would buy that. I’m a god damn idiot”. I can’t wait for this Edward perspective book I hope its just him realizing how bad he is at lying the entire time.
Lindsey: He specifically turns to her and says “no one is going to believe you, cant you just thank me and get over it” Next scene Bella thinks she has a dream where Edward is watching her in her room, which is actually just him watching her in her room. Perspective of Bella what would then be seeing makes me think of the Robert Pattinson photoshoot, but the one where he’s just like looming over – there was one that was like “perspective you’re a bowl of pasta in the microwave that I’m about to eat” and that’s just what I’m imagining that’s the perspective that Bella is seeing.
Brooke: Yeah
Lindsey: At school the next day, Mike makes a very lame attempt to ask her to prom. Like, just asks her, doesn’t even do anything and this movie has no god damn promposals.
Brooke: Where promposals a thing yet when this movie came out? I just feel like they weren’t part of the zeitgeist yet. Oh. A History of Promposals. Originally, the tradition started getting attention in 2001, it was called a Prom Proposal, and it took the world some time before it could figure out what would become the new famous abbreviation.
Lindsey: Okay, well in 2001, Mike had plenty of time before 2008 when this movie came out to think of one.
Brooke: But like nobody actually knows Bella so they cant do anything specific.
Lindsey: But everyone loves like, I don’t know, like cakes.
Brooke: Do you think Bella likes -
Lindsey: Arguably she didn’t eat anything in the entire movie. Oh no, she has a salad and strudel. They could have brought her a salad and wrote prom with some cucumbers
Brooke: You do Salad but with the “A” “L” in parentheses so it’s just SAD if you don’t go to prom with me, eh?
Lindsey: Aww.
Brooke: See, nailed it.
Lindsey: There you go, you should be Mike. Bella then says she’s going to Jacksonville that weekend. Like Florida. Like the literal opposite corner of the country. And then he asks her if she can reschedule the trip. She barely knows him.
Brooke: Yeah
Lindsey: She’s known him for maybe a month tops. Why would she reschedule an entire trip with her mom? Rude.
Brooke: Because it’s prom. You only get one junior prom.
Lindsey: Rude. They then take a class field trip to a composting place. Which is amazing.
Brooke: The bio teacher is my favorite. He is so excited about composting and just his – he has his golden onion now he’s getting his like compost tea.
Lindsey: I love it. That’s like my dream class. Edward making no attempt to even pretend he was not eavesdropping from a conversation that he was arguably very far away from.
Brooke: Very far.
Lindsey: Or even casually tries to bring it up. Demands to know why Bella is going to be in Jacksonville. Edward now pretends that he had some sort of weird adrenaline rush, but also smirks while saying it, so like not even pretending like it’s true. He’s very rude to her. Just like does she even want to date him beyond the fact that she’s like “oh he’s constantly in my dreams, I should figure that out.”
Brooke: Who knows. He’s the only boy who doesn’t want her so therefore she wants him.
Lindsey: I feel like the kid that speaks to no one at school suddenly talks to me but only sometimes I’d be like “alright, that’s like also obsessed with me but like his version of it.” The next day at lunch, Edward tries to redeem himself by acting friendly, but saying “it’s better if we weren’t friends, not that I don’t want to be.” And then threatens Bella by saying “if you were smart, you’d stay away from me” to which Bella says “let’s say for argument’s sake I’m not smart” which, boom. Edward then says “what if im not the hero, what if I’m the bad guy” to which Bella invites him the beach. Not thinking that that is anything threating to say at all, especially in a pre-Billie Eilish era.
Brooke: Even in a post-Billie Eilish era.
Lindsey: Edward then says. It’s kind of crowded to scene change, two people at the beach. Jacob is then one of those two people at the beach. And Bella sarcastically asks if he’s talking her, though Edward is legit stalking her, and he is never asked that question.
Brooke: Yeah, Bella asks questions but she doesn’t ask the right questions.
Lindsey: She does ask him later, but that is when he is clearly following her. Yeah. Jacob then reveals is Edward is not allowed on the beach, and the back story is that Jacob’s tribe is descended from wolves and the Cullen’s are just quote “the enemy”. They then make a deal that they won’t reveal what they really are if they agree to aide by said drawn lines. Bella not being the idiot that literally of all the boys in the movie try to make her out to be, finds a book on the background of his tribe in Port Angeles.
Brooke: Why does she skip over all the perfectly fine online sources? She’s just like “oh these websites? Nah”
Lindsey: Because she wanted -
Brooke: “Gotta go find a physical source”.
Lindsey: Maybe she doesn’t want search history because she knows deep down Edward can find it.
Brooke: That’s fair.
Lindsey: She goes to get the book in Port Angeles. Which is also conveniently, where- where her friends are getting their prom dresses. They get cat called through a shopping window and then one of the dudes cat calling her when she is leaving the bookstore, follows her, to her being surrounded by about 12 dudes yelling catcall-y things including one who asks if she likes beer pong.
Brooke: I did say, the most realistic thing about this movie is that drunk men are the enemy.
Lindsey: Edward then swoops out of nowhere, even though he has no reason to be there whatsoever and growls at the boys. Yes, growls. Then drives away like a literal maniac. Apparently, it was also so long that Jessica and Hannah finish their meal. Like how long was she at the bookstore? Like Edward showed up immediately those dude surrounded her.
Brooke: Yeah, I’m sorry Jessica and Angela are the worst? If my friend wasn’t answering calls or texts I would be like “cool, guess we’ll just eat then” I’d be like “we should go and find her? She’s not responding. Clearly something is up”
Lindsey: Like, they know where the bookstore is. They know she was at the bookstore.
Brooke: Yeah she was specifically like – I mean I guess there could be more than one bookstore.
Lindsey: But like, I mean in theory it has been like at least an hour
Brooke: At the very least. Because like they didn’t immediately go to the restaurant when she left because otherwise they would have been like “no Bella, we’re about to wrap up here, why don’t you just come get dinner with us”. So it’s probably been like 2 hours. What was she doing in this bookstore?
Lindsey: What they showed was literally just her walking in, asking for the book and then paying.
Brooke: I mean maybe, it took her a while to walk over there. I don’t know how far away it is.
Lindsey: Edward then does the awkward thing of being like “lets grab dinner” and then orders nothing. Which I would track down as a weird Edwardism if it has not happened to me multiple times.
Brooke: Of you not ordering something? Or being with someone who didn’t order –
Lindsey: No! of people being like “do you want food, let’s get food” and then I’m like “sure” and then I order something and then they don’t and they’re like “oh I thought you wanted food” and I’m like -
Brooke: ugh!
Lindsey: “I don’t want food if like I’m eating here alone!”
Brooke: What the -? That’s horrible no!
Lindsey: Bella then directly asks Edward how he knew where to find her and if he followed her which he responds with “I feel protective of you” which is not a “no”. Edward then defends it with a “if only she could hear the thoughts of what they were thinking” because he can read everyone’s minds but her. Edward then ends the dinner telling Bella that he quote ”doesn’t have the strength to stay away from her anymore” which is very alarming.
Brooke: Red Flag Bella, Red Flag.
Lindsey: And Bella then says “then don’t” and then they leave. I’m pretty sure Bella did not even touch this meal.
Brooke: If I was with someone who didn’t order food, I also wouldn’t eat. I would feel really weird – they’re just watching me eat? No I cannot eat in front of you.
Lindsey: Yeah, I guess I’d get it boxed. But like, that’s theoretically that’s their dating life. It’s like Bella you have to eat and you have to do it in front of me.
Brooke: Just like don’t go to dinner, do other things. Do other dates. Do more hiking dates.
Lindsey: Edward then drives Bella home and then they touch hands and she gasps. And I thought it was “ooh sexual tension” I forgot that he’s just really cold. Edward then looks like he’s going to cry probably remembering she hates cold things and they disgust her. Bella starts doing research on quote “the cold ones” and what Edward is. And honestly, it doesn’t seem like she’s doing that much research that anyone else at school could figure it out if they like tried a little bit.
Brooke: Yeah but no one else is friends with the La Push kids.
Lindsey: That’s fair. But anyone in general could be like “Edward is a freak let me google him”
Brooke: Well no one else has touched him, they don’t know that he’s cold.
Lindsey: That’s fair. I guess he’s fast enough that he would never need to bump into anyone. At school the next day, they ditch to go into the woods instead. Bella confronts Edward that she knows that he’s a vampire, Edward asks if she’s afraid, and Bella says “no” even though she should be. Not because he’s a vampire but because he is a maniac. Edward says if that wasn’t a dealbreaker this definitely is and reveals that he sparkles in the sun and not that he’s like 100 or insane. But here is how the conversation goes. Bella “you’re beautiful”. Edward “Beautiful?” chuckles. Which also if you didn’t see the TikTok where it’s just constantly being like “Edward chuckles”
Brooke: No I didn’t see that.
Lindsey: It’s so good. Its just like every time Edward is described as – just talking its like “Edward chuckles” “Edward chuckles darkly” “Edward chuckles sadly” “Edward beautiful chuckles, “this is the skin of a killer, Bella” Bella then says it does not matter even if he is killed people including a strong desire to want to kill her. To which Bella is like “okay” and then tries to kiss him, which is rejected.
Brooke: I don’t know why Edward thinks being sparkly is the thing that’s gonna like set her off. Like go murder an animal.
Lindsey: Compared to all the other things
Brooke: Like go attack a deer and show her that you’re vicious. Don’t be sparkly. Because this is the skin of a killer. In what world does sparkly mean murderer?
Lindsey: Then Edward gets close, like literally traps her against the tree and demands to know what she’s thinking because he can’t know on his own and Bella says actually now she is afraid… of losing him.
Brooke: [makes a vomit noise]
Lindsey: Edward then says “so the lion fell in love with the lamb” claiming to be in love with Bella even though they’ve literally only hung out twice.
Brooke: See but that’s realistic of high school relationships, so.
Lindsey: I wrote that he’s very much only horny because she smells nice and that sent me into a loop of can vampires be horny, do vampires get erections?
Brooke: They clearly
Lindsey: They have blood int heir body. Can they only get erections after they’ve eaten? Like they’re getting one but it’s not of their own blood.
Brooke: But like, cus they clearly do because Edward -
Lindsey: They have sex
Brooke: They have sex eventually.
Lindsey: It doesn’t make sense!
Brooke: But like how does it work? Is he always hard? His skin is hard, so is it just always?
Lindsey: Aah. Next scene, Bella is lying in her bed and she says there are 3 things she is positive of. That Edward is a vampire, that he definitely wants her blood, and she loves him for reasons that are unknown to me. They now show up to school in theory, then are in the woods again, seemingly never going to class.
Brooke: Okay, that’s another note I have. Because I was like ‘is this Freeform editing this movie weirdly, or did this movie taking these cuts? Like how did we get to the shore, I thought we were going to school, I can’t tell what’s happening”
Lindsey: Nope, they’re just always going into the woods. Like I don’t know if this is after school or if they’re just skipping school to go to the woods, always.
Brooke: Yeah, who knows.
Lindsey: Edward then tells her how Carlisle only changes people that are dying, such as him in 1918 from the Spanish flu. But also a lot of people were dying from the Spanish Flu, so like why only them?
Brooke: They eventually get to this.
Lindsey: It’d be like now if they were like 2 people dying of corona virus, we’re turning them into vampires but no one else. Not all other people who have like a hundred thousand people.
Brooke: It’s only people who have had like a tragic life. So it was more than just Spanish Flu it was like he was all alone. Yeah, he was like, he had to watch his parents die, and Carlisle was like instead of letting him die I’ll keep him alive forever. I always skipped over that chapter when I reread Twilight because it was so boring. I was like “I don’t care about Carlisle’s past, get me out of here”
Lindsey: Edward then brings Bella to his house and because her name is Bella, they’re all like “ah she’s Italian” and prepare a feast that only Bella could eat. Also, uncomfortable.
Brooke: Also, Emmet waving a knife instead of his hand? Big energy, I love it. I love him.
Lindsey: Rosalie is mad, saying she hoped Bella knows that since now that they’re public if it ends badly it’ll be a bad look for them all. And Bella is like “end badly? You mean if I’m brutally murdered” and then the entire family laughs.
Brooke: Yeah. But also making awkward jokes is also a mood. Being like “huh, wouldn’t if be funny if you guys killed me?”
Lindsey: Edward then gives Bella a tour of the house, which is just his room, and he tries to teach her to dance, to which Bella says “I don’t dance”, and then Edward says “I can make you” and then grabs her and then throws her on his back -
Brooke: Okay you missed the part where she talks about making a rain stick out of Chinchilla poop.
Lindsey: What? I did miss that.
Brooke: She’s just like looking around his room and is like “oh my god, this stuff is so cool and she like pulls out a rain stick from his like bookcase” and she goes “me and my mom made this once, we had a pet chinchilla and its made its droppings and toilet paper roll” and Edward is staring at her because she’s a crazy person, and then she’s like “huh, I guess that’s weird.”
Lindsey: I absolutely missed that.
Brooke: Like, what the fuck?
Lindsey: He then grabs her throws her on his back and says “you better hold on tight spider monkey” and then goes absolutely fucking nuts climbing the trees in his backyard.
Brooke: I would peel my face off if someone told me to “hold on tight spider monkey” Like -[makes vomit noise]
Lindsey: Equally right before he launches into the trees, he asks “do you trust me” and Bella responds “in theory” which also a red flag. Edward then sneaks through Bella’s window, for the first time while she is awake and she asks “do you do this a lot” and he says “only for the past couple of months” Which also they’ve also known each other for a couple of months.
Brooke: Yeah he’s basically saying like “Yes, I do this every night since you’ve come to Forks, obviously.”
Lindsey: Bella brings up to her dad that she and Edward are dating, and he thought– he says “I thought you didn’t like any of the boys in town” and she says “technically Edward doesn’t live in town” Which is some shit that I would pull -
Brooke: One thousand percent.
Lindsey: - to avoid telling people I’m dating someone by having them ask me only very specific questions that I can then likely say no to.
Brooke: Bella, like, when she like walks up to her dad, she like hands him another beer. He’s holding a gun and she hands a second beer and he’s just like “yeah, vitamin R”.
Lindsey: Edward then invites Bella to watch his family play baseball which is stupid thing-
Brooke: Technically, he says that she’s going to play baseball but like Edward imagine if you put Bella in that.
Lindsey: I just want to imagine her running miles to go get the ball and then miles back and it’s been an hour. The bad vampires then show up just on the verge of leaving town, also wanting to play baseball. However, they obviously smell Bella and then James calls her a snack – ay-yo. And since James clearly wants to eat her they have to end the game which Laurent seems very disappointed by.
Brooke: I do want to point something out this movie is color graded so blue. Every single scene is so – especially if they’re outdoors is so blue. Like they like have a blue tint I guess to be like yes its very cloudy and rainy here and so we’re leaning into the shadows, its very blue. It’s distracting.
Lindsey: Edward then explains that this is a game to James, and he knows that since it would upset Edward it is now his most exciting game. Edward tells Bella that they need to leave and he’s going to expect that she’ll be home because her sent is strongest there. And Bella is like “but my dad’s home” and Edward is basically like “fuck your dad” .
Brooke: One might call this the most dangerous game. Ha ha.
Lindsey: Instead of leaving her dad, she’s pretends she’s leaving for Arizona. But instead of being like “I want to visit Mom for a bit” or “I was planning on visiting mom and I never told you my flight is tonight” she pretends that she breaks up with Edward and needs to go home, and when Charlie is like “sorry, I can be a better dad, we can do more activities” she breaks his heart and says she doesn’t want to be stuck in a rut like mom was when she was with him.
Brooke: Yeah, fucking rude. Ugh.
Lindsey: I would be devastated.
Brooke: I was devastated.
Lindsey: I could never say that to my dad.
Brooke: I could not imagine telling that to my dad “yeah you’re just a bad a dad, I don’t care I’m leaving”.
Lindsey: There’s nothing you could do to make it better, I don’t care if you try harder. They then devise a plan, where Alice and Jasper take Bella south to Arizona. Which is a 24 hour drive from Forks to Phoenix and Edward stays behind.
Brooke: They don’t need sleep so it’s fine. And they also drive really fast. Because they’re vampires.
Lindsey: As Bella is leaving, Edward then says she is his life now, which yikes.
Brooke: To be fair, he is dead, so…
Lindsey: And obsessed with her.
Brooke: Yeah. Mostly he’s obsessed with her.
Lindsey: Edward, Emmet and Rosalie devise a plan which includes them rubbing Bella’s clothes all over the trees so that James thinks she’s there, which obviously doesn’t work. James then blackmails Bella and goes to her old ballet studio and tells her to go alone because he makes her think he kidnapped her mom. Instead he uses a home video of her mom which is honestly brilliant and gets all of her information from public records. Which, maybe the crew should have thought about before being like “oh Bella we’ll take you to this place, the place that is easily documented for you to be” Edward and James fight as Bella sits on the floor in a pool of her own blood. Which honestly, all of the vampires this entire god damn movie are like “your blood smells so good I cant resist it” so you would think at least one of them would be distracted and be like “I need to drink Bella’s blood now”
Brooke: Also, James is just a fucked-up Film Kid. Like he’s just trying to make a movie. At one point he’s like “my God, it’s so visually dynamic” like okay we get it.
Lindsey: Yeah. James bites Bella so Edward bites of James’s ear, and then the rest of them show up and tear him limb from limb and throw him into the fire. Edward has a very long discussion with Carlisle about whether to let Bella turn into a vampire or not as she literally has minutes left and cannot afford this conversation. So Edward is worried that once he starts he won’t be able to stop, which honestly would have been a more predictable end to this series, considering Edward is a maniac and has been saying the whole movie that he doesn’t know whether or not he can constrain himself from killing her. However, Edward stops and Bella wakes up at the hospital.
Brooke: Carlisle is really not trying hard to stop Edward. He’s genuinely like “No Edward. Stop. You’re killing her”
Lindsey: He’s just like “you’ll do it.”
Brooke: He like – he doesn’t even put a hand on Edward he’s just like “No Edward, you’re killing her. You’re gonna kill her” and just like looking and watching.
Lindsey: Carlisle wanted Bella to die.
Brooke: Yeah, because he’s thinking ahead. He’s around humans all the time and is like “we’re going to have to come up with a story for this”
Lindsey: It’s a big liability. Like people are gonna be like “Bella, bring your boyfriend to events” and then Edward will be there, the insane person that he is, and will be like “ah, that one time in 1920” and everyone will be like “what are you saying”
Brooke: Yeah, someone’s going to ask him one single direct question and he’s going to be like “right, let me tell you about my days as a vampire.”
Lindsey: The story that Edward and Carlisle tell is that they go to Phoenix to convince Bella to stay and she quote falls down two flights of stairs and out a window. And 1) if any parent or even friend did not say you cannot date this person -
Brooke: Yeah.
Lindsey: - that obviously just abused you and called it an accident. It’s insane.
Brooke: Especially with the context of they broke up and she left – she fled the city. And he followed her. And then happened to fall down two flights of stairs and out a window and then was suddenly like “no me and Edward are together” what?!
Lindsey: 2) No one addresses the bite on her arm. Despite telling everyone the whole movie she can’t go to prom which I guess she’s not going to Jacksonville because of her leg, Bella and Edward go to prom. Jacob is hiding in the bushes at her prom and says that his dad paid him to talk to her and tell her to break up with Edward. Which is fair, considering it looks like he pushed her down the stairs and out a window.
Brooke: Yeah.
Lindsey: Edward then forces Bella to dance on the gazebo, despite having a broken leg that he causes.
Brooke: Also, Jacob immediately dislikes Edward which really doesn’t make sense because at this point Jacob really doesn’t believe in any of the legends. Like he’s just like “oh it’s a weird thing, but like I don’t believe it”. And also there was - I don’t know if you saw that TikTok that was like “I just don’t understand why Jacob – he likes Bella because she carries Renesmee eventually but like Edward is also a piece of Renesmee so shouldn’t he at least a little bit attracted to Edward as well.”
Lindsey: Everyone else in the gazebo feels so uncomfortable that they then leave.
Brooke: Yeah.
Lindsey: Bella then says she wanted Edward to change her into a vampire, that she is decided. She then tells Edward she wants him to bite her right there, as if they weren’t at prom, and as if it wouldn’t cause a whole fucking scene. Which is probably one of the things Carlisle was worried about. Edward then asks if it’s not enough to have a long and happy life with him. Not considering that literally once she graduates, she would be dating a in theory 17 year old for a while. So yes, so it’s not enough.
Brooke: Yeah, I mean it would get real creepy in like 10 years when they need to re-locate and Edward would have to be 17 again.
Lindsey: And Bella both move.
Brooke: yeah and Bella would be 27.
Lindsey: Aside from referencing Victoria wants revenge, that is the end of the movie.
Brooke: Victoria is dressed up for prom even though she’s not participating, she’s hidden away. She just likes to commit to a theme.
[Creepy Organ Transition Music]
Brooke: Which movie do you like more?
Lindsey: Obviously Twilight. Obviously. In any way shape or form. It’s so funny, it’s – it’s great.
Brooke: I always feel like my qualification for which do I like more, is which would I rewatch more, and obviously that’s Twilight.
Lindsey: I have no gauge. I’m just like what makes me feel good about myself, about society. I don’t know if it makes me feel good about society, but it makes me feel good about my place in it.
Brooke: Both of these films are very influential. Like, without Nosferatu we would really have a horror genre, I mean we would, but it would not be the same. And without Twilight we wouldn’t have an entire genre of life. So I can acknowledge what Nosferatu has done and be very happy that I have only seen it a handful of times.
Lindsey: That is Twilight and Nosferatu. Thank you all for listening
Brooke: Go ahead and give us a follow on social media. We are at film squids pod on everything. Go follow us there so you can see my memes.
Lindsey: One of the ways you can support us is to tell your friends about us, share our Instagram posts, go to your friend that you would talk about Twilight with, and who you’re going to share an annotated book of Midnight Sun with, and tell them to give this episode a listen.
Brooke: Or that snobby boy that thought Twilight was dumb.
Lindsey: It’s not worth bringing them into your life.
Brooke: Yeah, if they’ve escaped your life, don’t bring them back. That’s fair.
Lindsey: If they’re still sadly there, then make them listen.
[Theme Music]
Lindsey: This podcast was recorded by Brooke Hoppe and Lindsey Buttel. Intro music is by the band Poly Action. And transition music is Dramatic Organ by Inspector J. Editing by Lindsey Buttel. Until next time, squids.